Darn it! The wrong address get in the car they’re chasing us; go to Fred's farm he's got everything. When they arrived they knocked on the door furiously Fred opened it in a flash. He asked them what do you want “we’re being chased we need you and your things” he puffed loudly. He was about 10 or 8 minutes behind us, “I want a sharp sharp pitch fork I'm going to do some threatening,” “he needs to get away from me.” here it is I don't know what to do with it. You go.”
There's a real sense of danger and peril for your characters in this 100WC Barney. By carefully choosing certain words like 'furiously' and 'in a flash' and 'puffed,' you've injected pace into the story; this can be a really useful technique in thrillers.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to have a quick re-read of your opening line; a slight change in the punctuation would make it flow a little more smoothly.
Well done.